So there I was, vacuuming the lobby of the building where I work, encountering a slight bit of trouble at every turn because I was surrounded by swarms of my adoring fans, and they tended to get in the way. Suddenly I looked up and, through the crowd, caught sight of Shannon, one of the girls I work with. She was walking through the door of the lobby, pulling behind her a bucket of water on wheels. I waved to her, but then my crowd of fans got in the way and I lost sight of her again, so I diligently continued my work until I heard her calling.

"Fiddlesticks!" Shannon yelled. She sounded frantic, like she was in desperate trouble. "Oh Fiddlesticks, please help! I need you!"

Instantly, I turned off my vacuum and extricated myself from my fans, making sure they wouldn't follow me by magically freezing them in place until I came back to free them. Shannon was on her knees sobbing into her hands beside a huge puddle of water on the floor. I saw immediately that the bucket she had been pulling had overturned itself. Shannon looked up at me through tear-filled eyes. "Oh Fiddlesticks! What can I do?"

"Never fear, Shannon!" I said, striking a pose and flexing my muscles. "The carpet cleaner will suck up all this water in no time! All we have to do is find it and use it to clean up all this water!"

Shannon sniffed. "Really, Fiddlesticks?" she said hopefully. "You mean it? That's all?" I nodded, and she climbed to her feet. "Then I'll go get the carpet cleaner machine!"

"No, no, my lady," I told her. You just make yourself comfortable here. Don't put yourself to any more trouble. I'll go get the carpet cleaner."

"But Fiddlesticks," she said, "I can't wait here! I'm scared! What if someone comes by and doesn't see the water and drowns in it? I can't swim; I wouldn't know what to do! No, you stay here and guard this, and I'll go get the carpet cleaner."

So I agreed and stood guard over the puddle. For three days and nights I kept my vigil, not sleeping at all because every 7 minutes, someone would come by and fall in the puddle and I would have to rescue them.

Finally Shannon returned with the carpet cleaner and with her fiance (but with a little thing over the E) Stephen. "There!" shouted Shannon, pointing straight at me. "There's the person who came over and shoved over the bucket while I was trying to bring it to you!"

"What?" I asked incredulously, which meant I couldn't believe she would say that. "I can't believe you would say that!"

Stephen ran over and jumped on my back and held my head in the puddle, trying to drown me. Fortunately, I have retractable gills, so it didn't work. Not wanting to hurt him, I didn't fight back, and after a while, he saw that drowning me wasn't going to work. He released me and I sat up.

"I didn't tip the bucket," I told him. "I don't know why Shannon would tell you I did, either. I was trying to help her."

Shannon pointed at me angrily and shouted, "You did it, you did it! And then you ran over and started jumping in the puddle and then you tried to drown me in it and then you came after me with a knife and told me to get something to clean it up before you killed me! Stephen, please will you get rid of this evil person?" she sobbed, throwing herself into Stephen's arms.

"It would be my pleasure," said Stephen, trying to draw his sword with a flourish but failing because, let's face it, it's hard to draw a sword when there's a girl hanging off of you. When she saw the sword, however, she let go of him and drew her own two daggers. The two of them together came after me.

Fortunately for me, I was wearing my handy-dandy jet pack, so all I had to do was press the button and whoosh! I was off before they could kill me. So now I type up this story to give to my boss to let him know the truth, and in case he doesn't believe it, dear readers, I share it with you so that the world may know that I, Fiddlesticks, did not knock over Shannon's bucket and try to kill her.